I'm sorry to hear of your struggles.  When you presented your situation, it reminded me of this broadcast I heard a few weeks backs on the radio.  I pray it will help you. 

Part 1

www.oneplace.com/common/player/oneplace/CustomPlayer.asp

Part 2

www.oneplace.com/common/player/oneplace/CustomPlayer.asp

I am so sorry for your loss.

It's OK to be upset!  Faith is one way to get through the hurt, but sometimes what we really need is to be allowed to be upset! 

I don't think horrible things like this happen for "a reason"  they happen because that's what circumstances dictated, and being angry at circumstance is OK.

When you feel up to it, I'm certain you will feel God's love and His arms wrapped around you.  He loves you and He loves your child.  And you WILL have the chance to be with your child again!

My prayers are with you!

I listened to the first part of that broadcast and although I thank you this is the same cookie cutter thing that I have heard before. Rejoice always??? How am I supposed to rejoice when one of my children isn't with me. He also mentioned that there are no cirumstances in life that can take away your joy, I don't understand that. My child is gone, therefore a huge part of me is gone. Somedays I wish I was already with him, but the ache that I would leave behind is too much to bear, I wouldn't sacrafice my life here with the child that is living, but I wish I could just see him for a minute. I get so angry with people, especially people strong in their faith but that have not experienced the loss of a child trying to tell me that it is going to be ok. I cannot even get past my anger at God to listen to what he has to tell me be it through scripture or a witness or what have you. I desperately want another child and I feel like my anger towards God is preventing him from giving me another child and I don't know if that is a valid feeling. My parents pray all the time that I will be given another child and soon, but I am to preoccupied being pissed at him to ask him for something else.

I'm sorry the clip didn't help.  I will admit, it is one of those things that "Is easier said then done" 

What he was saying is, a Christians joy is God.  The world's joy are things that are not God, family, good health, economic stability.  So when things go wrong, the Christian is still able to have joy, because their joy is in God, not what God gave them.

I'm sure you have heard of this before but The book of Job deals with this issue. God had allowed Satan to do everything he wanted to Job except kill him.  Job's family was murdered, and everything he owned was destroyed. What was Job’s reaction? “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him” (Job 13:15). “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised” (Job 1:21).

Job didn’t understand why God had allowed the things He did, but he knew that God was good and therefore continued to trust in Him. Ultimately, that should be our reaction as well. God is good, just, loving, and merciful. Often things happen to us that we simply cannot understand. However, instead of doubting God's goodness, our reaction should be to trust Him. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Jesus gave an example of why some people suffered, and he used it as an example:

Luk 13:2  And Jesus said to them, "Do you suppose that these Galileans were greater sinners than all other Galileans because they suffered this fate?
Luk 13:3  "I tell you, no, but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.
Luk 13:4  "Or do you suppose that those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them were worse culprits than all the men who live in Jerusalem?
Luk 13:5  "I tell you, no, but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish."

God sometimes uses tragic events like death as a wake up call, to draw others to him.  If people don't repent of their sins, they will perish eternally. 

I pray God will give you peace in your situation.

To Jag, thank you. Your words mean a lot. I have a question though, how were you able to take down pictures of your son. I cannot imagine taking Nicholas's pictures off my wall, I look at them everyday. Maybe its a bad thing, I don't know.

Shanna,

You need to give yourself time. And maybe right now, taking down your son's pictures isn't the right thing to do. It may never be what you do. It has been 7 months, but there is NO time limit on grief or hurt or anger or loss. It sounds like you have some belief in God, although I don't know where you are or what church you attend; however, I would ask that you allow your friends and family to minister to you AND your family (husband and other children- if there are others). Now is the time to let someone "wash your feet" and support you and love on you. Jag is right...God can handle it. I just picked up a book called The Shack (William P. Young) from a Christian bookstore. I got it because it sounded interesting and in tragedy, we often ask God, "Why?" and "Why didn't you help?"  Anyway, It deals with exactly what you are going through and in the story, the man- who has lost his child- is angry with God and God shows up in a miraculous way. I don't know that you need to read it now, but keep it in the back of your mind.

I think its a good thing, take them down and go to a digital specialist to put them on on a softcopy and have them sealed. Make a collage of varios pictures when you want to, write him letters when you want to, talk to him when you want to. The trick is to allow you to own the Grief, not the Grief to own you. Make sense?

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO FORGET, cause you will not forget so stop thinking you will.

Here is a poem I wrote, its far from perfect, but its how I felt at the time and still do.

Breaking up you and your brother from fighting over Drinks, and Food,

Tripping over the shoes that you have just liberated from their “Jail” of a shoe rack,

Hearing you sing to the morning sun,

Picking you up by your legs and swinging you around to hear the “Giggle”,

Making your training roadmap to the state wrestling Championship,

Dreaming of what you were going to be when “you grew up”,

Picking up the VHS tapes that you would pull down looking for “Elmo”

That “Face” when I would scratch your head,

Your devilish smile when you did something mischievous,

Cleaning your breakfast off the floor,

Getting a free shower when I was just giving you a “Bath”,

Trying to teach you to learn to share when you knew that the “World” was rightfully ruled and owned by you,

Holding you when you were sick,

Playing “Tickle Bug” and you would laugh before I would touch you,

Your giggle when you would be hiding,

My death grip on you when you wanted to just wanted to get down,

Finding the PCs “Big blue screen of death” after your were just playing with the “Mouse”,

Building a castle of blocks with your brother and have you knock them down and just “Giggle”,

Watching you single handling making a war-zone from a “Just” cleaned living room,

Watching you pull all of the toys out of the toy bucket after it was just filled,

Watching you have no fear of the “World”,

Watching in amazement your God given gift of “Wanderlust”

Pushing the curls out of your eyes,

Watching you crush every Pea before you ate them,

Seeing your “Monster” walk with your arms held high and the “Growl”,

Hearing your mother scream a “Jimmy!!!!!” after you tore all the foam out from inside the couch,

Seeing you gulp a 10oz juice cup in 1 minute flat,

Watching you fulfill my unfulfilled “Dreams”,

To never being able to hold you’re first born,

Almost buying a new TV, but only to find out I had to finishing fixing the first one you started to “fix” in the first place,

Watch you stumble down and just to get up and keep going,

Saying, “That’s my Boy” when you did something to make a Father proud,

Hearing you and your Brother giggle yourselves to sleep,

Cuddling with you, but only when you would allow it,

Saying, “I love you” to your face,

Fighting with you to try to clean your face,

To break up you and your brother from fighting over Girls, and Cars,

To trip over shoes again,

To hear you sing to the morning sun,

To pick you up by your legs and swing you around to hear you giggle,

To unrelenting driving, and pushing you harder and harder on our way to a Olympic Gold,

To find out what you would have been when “you grew up”,

To pick up VHS tapes forever,

To scratch your head,

To see that devilish smile when you just saved the “World”,

To not cleanup after your last breakfast,

To get free shower again,

To teach you how to make the “World” rightfully yours,

To just hold you,

To play the “Tickle Bug” with your kids,

To always remember your “Giggle”,

To never release the death grip,

For you to teach the PC to fix “big blue screen of death” itself,

To build a castle of blocks with your brother and have the feeling of “it’s all just for not”,

You to single handling making a war-zone from a “Just” cleaned living room,

Not to ever fill the toy bucket again,

You to never know “Fear”,

To watch your god given gift of “Wanderlust” bear the fruit of “Life”,

To take you to the barbers to get a haircut,

To see crushed Peas,

To watch your “Monster” walk with your arms held high and to hear the “Growl” one more time,

To hear your mother scream a “Jimmy!!!!!” again,

To drudge to the kitchen to get you juice again,

Your brother and sister to not be the only ones to fulfill my “Dreams”,

To hold you’re first born in my arms,

To fix things that you started to “Fix” because you thought they were broken in the first place,

To pick you up and console you over everything,

To make other fathers “Jealous” of me,

To have your brother someone to giggle with,

Cuddling with you even if you don’t want it,

To say, “I love you” to your face,

                                           To just let you have a dirty face,

Love you,

Forget you,

XOXOXOXO…

Shanna, we are so very sorry for your loss. I am proud to be associated, even if just on line, with those who responded to shann's loss. There are a lot of very decent people in this town.

Shanna1

I sent you a PM.

Shanna1 ~

I am sitting at my desk with tears streaming down my face.  I really don't know what to say to you - I can not even imagine your loss.  I have read all the other posts and they are so loving and warm.  This community loves you!  For the first time in a long time - I am at a loss for words.  I do want to reach out to you and let you know you are loved!  Even in your anger - just keep your eye to the sky!  HE loves you!

xoxo - Hunter